lights - Operating Table - Surgeons...

This is what's coming next Thursday. I will be in the Hospital for a Hernia Surgery. Dr. James Majors will cut a part of me to repair me. Doc says it should take 1.5 hours and I will be fine.

Am I scared? Of course I am. It%u2019s a lonely feeling to undergo a surgery in a distant land - away from home, away from family and friends. It hits deep down somewhere. Even though I have been preparing for it, there are many questions that have been playing heavily on my mind. What can go wrong? What if I do not wake up? What happens then?

Earlier I had postponed this surgery because I wanted to do it while I was in Bombay last month. I wanted my family and friends to be around when the Anesthesiologist puts me to sleep for four hours. I wanted some reassuring faces around me in this hour of my life.

That was not to be. I came back without the surgery from home, from everyone. I chose to live in pain but refused to go thru it while in Bombay. My reason for not doing it was that if I have to do it alone then I might as well do it in Atlanta.

Loneliness gave me comfort and strength. At least that%u2019s what I always believed in%u2026
-------Not anymore.

I will have to face reality come Thursday. I know what will be going thru my mind minutes before I am sedated. I will be lying under those lights wearing the usual surgical cap and gown. Everything will be well lit around me in the Operation Theatre that day. There will be so much direct light on my body and nothing will be hidden from the Doctors.

I am not sure if Doctors will notice the darkness descending on my heart as they try to repair me%u2026

Shahid

How do you fall in love?

Q: How do you fall in love with life again?

Hum jis ke bhi kareeb rahe....

Apni trah sabhi ko kisi ki talash thi
Hum jis ke bhi kareeb rahe door hi rahe

Duniya na jeet pao to haro na khud ko tum
Thodi bahut to zahan main narazgi rahe

Badlaa na apne aap ko jo the wohi rahe
Milte rahe sabhi se magar ajanabi rahe ----Nida Fazli

Jaane kiya soch kar nahi guzra....

Jaane kiya soch kar nahi guzra
EK pal raat bhar nahi guzra !

Apni tanhayee ka shikwaa na kisi se karna
tum hi tanhaa hi nahi aur bhi akele hain
ye akela safar nahi guzra.....

Jaane kiya soch kar nahi guzra....

Woh Shahr ...

Chod kar jise log na kabhi jaate honge
Sari duniya main koi shhar to aisa hoga ! - Salman Akhtar

Question

How many folks really knows what goes thru a traveller's mind when he looks at things and people for the LAST TIME?
Can we draw a parallel between a traveller and a convict who is going to be hanged?
May be yes.

Hazaron Khwahishen aisi..

Yesterday I had gone to see Om Katare's play " Zara In se Milye " at the Prithvi. Normally I sit thru the complete performance even if I do not like it, simply to encourage the performers. Waise bhi kam log aate hain play dekhne. This time though I could not sit thru it and left it halfway. I liked a line delivered by Om and goes like " These days divorce shaadi se zayada costly hoti hai "....

On the way back a line form Ghalib kept reverberating in my mind " Hazaron Khwahishen Aisi ke ..."
:)
Shahid

Yellow - a song by Chris Martin

Coldplay the indie band has this song that my friend Gandharv introduced me to. It is an awsome song with deep words. Here is what other peole think of the song and of Chris Martin.
---
Here is the lyric

Lyrics for: Yellow

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.



I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."


So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."


Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.


I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.


Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."



Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.


It's true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.


Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do


AND this is what people think about the song, Chris Martin and the word yellow.


I had an interview with chris martin in canada last year and i had asked him what he specifically meant by using the word YELLOW. He said it means caution, he was doing all he could for the girl (in the song) but she was pusing him away because she was unsure or just being caution. and he drew a line at the end of the song just strongly realizing she is an unsure person.
- christine, toronto, Canada
One of the things I learned about songs is the best are slightly ambiguous - and thus allow for multiple interpretations, so you can personalize its significance to you. To me, yellow is the color of warmth, the color of the sun. The line "I drew a line" refers to the notion of drawing a line in the sand where you won't allow someone to cross (to defend yourself and those you love). [Again - these are my interpretations] I love the song - because it speaks to me - and I can relate to it. And that was nicely confirmed for me when I recently attended their Columbus Ohio Twisted Logic gig - and melted like all the rest of the audience.
- Robert, Pittsburgh, PA

a simple yet romantic love song. not too mushy, yet you can still feel goosebumps especially if someone sings this song to you. just love the reason why color yellow's used as the main color/imagery in this song.all of us are indeed cowards when it comes to revealing our true feelings, especially as far as love is concerned. oh well, that's how love is!!!it also brightens our day just like the color yellow!!!
- may, davao city, Other

this song is great. I think this song is about how you see things from a different prospective when you are in love and how he will do anything for this person. "for you i'd bleed myslef dry" I absolutely love the line "look at the stars look how thye shine for you" just great, words cant really explain the greatness of this masterpiece
- Dusan, Berkely, IA

I hadn't heard this song until recently. Very recently recovered from cancer myself, my love always called me sunshine. Everything around me was yellow. He played the video for me and I just sat there, tears pouring. To me, the song means the continuation of my life. Forever yellow. It is the most powerful thing I have ever heard, and felt.
- Susan, New Egypt, NJ

I believe that the first lines of this song outline what comes throughout the rest. Stars symbolize hope, wishes, dreams.. so in turn the world "yellow" throughout the rest of the song refers to a dream or wish. This dream/wish is someone who he loves. He does everything to reach her and in the end everything was always all "yellow." The stars shined for her because he was so in love with her that his wish was to reach her.
- KT, NY, NY

The "yellow" in the song comes from how the person being sang to is a drug user, more specificaly a heroin addict thats my opinion and im sticking to it
- Hans, oakdale, CA

Looking outside the "Jaundice" theory, here is something to think about; Yellow has a lot of meanings in certain cultures. It also stimulates the nervous system and envokes wisdom. Buddha dressed all of his priests in yellow to show intellect. To be "all yellow" means you are quick witten because your nerves are in an active condition throughout the body.
- Amanda, tampa, FL

Some moments ....

Well, I do have some pleasent update after a depressing posts. The city did come to " life" and I felt so home. I am not authorised to share all the momnets, but a few I can list without the fear of being sued...

1: We, 12 of us from the class of 1989 visited college last week. Satish wanted his Leaving Certificate after 17 years He wanted a proof that he fianlly left college. Iqbal the co-ordinator called everyone. All except me were suppose to be officially on jobs. We met and visited all the spots we can. The college has changed and looking better now. I am not sure about the academics but the students and the buildings were looking great. Everyone has retired except a few lab attendents and peons. To my surprise a peon A.V. Naik called Iqbal by his roll number. I was surprised. I asked him how he could remember Iqbal's Roll number after so many years? The reply was " Bas Kiya Shahid - Tere Roll Number 27 tha na..."
Man - that hit me. This is India - This is Home. This is what keeps NRIs attached to the homeland. I felt so connected in a heartbeat. Later they told us about thier sons and daughters that are on thier way to becoming Engineers and progarmmers. Thanks Naik - Thanks for touching my heart buddy. You rock!

2:I was waiting for a bus at the kemps corner area and an idea descended on me about my next project. I did not have a pen to write it down. I asked this Chanawala if he has a pen that I can borrow. He did not. I sat down to memorize my idea and then realize that chanawala was asking every customer if he or she has a pen. Unbelievebale! I did not even buy anything from him. The guy wanted to make sure I get the pen to write.

We all know how these scenes would have played out in other countries.......!!!

Shahid

ps: My friends have not changed. Infact speaking with some of them I felt like we never left the College. Wohi bad tameezyan and wohi ladkiyon ki baaten.....sudhar jao Iqbal and Raees.

Awaazon ke bazaron main

Moonh ki baat sune har koi
Dil ke Dard ko jane kaun?
Awazon ke Bazaron main
Khamoshi pehchane kaun? - Nida Fazli

Der Na Karna....

Der Na Karna Ghar jaane main...
Warna Ghar Kho Jayenge ...!!! - Nida Fazli

Imagine....

Imagine
Coimng home after seven LONG years
only to realize
Why the hell you came here in the first place?

Imagine...

Benaam sa ye dard thahr kiyoon nahi jataa?
Jo beet gyaa hai woh guzar kiyoon nahi jataa?
Main khud apni uljhi hui rahon ka tamashaa?
Jate hain jidhar sab udhar main kiyon nahi jataa?


Shahid

Kis ka rastaa dekhe..?

Kis ka Rastaa Dekhe - Aye dil aye saudayee
Meelon hai khamoshi , Barson hai Tanhayee
Bhooli duniya kabhi ki tujhe bhi mujhe bhi
Phir kiyoon aankh bhar aayee?

Kis ka Raste dekhe aye dil aye saudayee?

Lonely in India..

It is such a strange feeling to come back the roots, to the beginings, and wonder what would life would have been had you chosen a diffrent path. There is no easy answer except a constant feeling of uneasiness. A feeling that no one can truly understand, no one can share.

All this makes you feel lonely. Home does not know how to deal with you and you do not know either. There is a disconnect that creeps in and you live with that while conveying to everyone that you are hapy to be back. You start living in a vaccum.

But inside ----you wait - either to go back or for that moment of time when "Home" will connect with you. That moment of time after which things, place and occassion would not matter.

I do not know which moment is going to come first - my departure for good, or a re-connecteion with home.....

Till then living life in a vaccum...

Shahid

Tanhayeee ki ye kaun si manzil hai rafiqo
Taa - Hadde nazar ek bayaban sa kiyoon hai?

Day three in Bombay

Well, today is third day of my journey and these are my thoughts - " jab koi apna shehear chod kar chala jata hai to woh shahr, woh ghar kuch saal tak to jane wala ka intezaar karte hain ----uske baad woh bhi kahin chale jate hain"....

Too early to judge everyting else....mum is the word.
Shahid

Aadtan Aa Raha Hoon Maktal main ---Going Home Part 2

Aadtan Aa Raha hoon Maktal main…..!!

Next week this day I will be home in Bombay with family and friends…….

I do not know what I will be doing and which places I will be visiting first? It’s been 7 years almost that I walked on those streets and alleys. It seems like ages. I will be going with the last image of Bombay that I have been living with. Will I be able to recognize my city or will it recognize this boy from Byculla?

What will happen to those emotions and feelings that I have been carrying deep in my heart since I left Bombay. Will I be able to express them to the folks that matter to me? Will they listen? Have they matured enough to realize that this is their last chance to re-connect with my heart?

There are many thoughts that have been running thru my mind since I booked my flight. I am unable to calm them down. I never thought going back to your roots is going to a roller coaster ride for me…..

I do not know what made the great Kaifi Azmi write this sher, but it is apt in my case too.

“ Aadtan aa Raha hoon Maktal main
Ab to Kandhon Pe Mere Sar Bhi nahi”!!

Dekhte hain...

Shahid

Doctors says I am OK....

Doctor James Major confirmed that I have a condition which is so common that one out of seven Americans have it. I am not an American so this statistics should not be applied in my case, but hey it does not bother me to be part of this statistics.

I, as usual was thinking the worst. I thought I am going to die. I thought about canceling my wedding as I would not want to leave a young widow around for others to take a chance. I even began thinking about my will and what would I do with so much wealth that I have accumulated?

I thought of the following:

- Give it to my mom and let her do whatever she wants with it
- Set up a charitable trust to help victims of communal violence
- Institute an award in my name for any student who wants to pursue a career in films with a promise that he / she will make at least one film that is anti – right wingers from every major religion.
- Leave it to all the schools that I have attended (from World renowned Chor Bazar Munipal Urdu School to the MIT of the South, The Georgia Institute of Technology)
- Hold a function – thank all those that have been kind to me. Tell them how much I enjoyed their love and friendship.
- Write a cool epitaph for my grave that would make anyone give me (oops my grave) a big hug
- Just plain die…..and let the chips fall wherever they want to.

But God’s grace I am alive and well. Doctor told me to get married and come back for this minor surgery which will only last 3o minutes. He said I will be able to drive three days after the surgery. It was 3 in the afternoon when I left Doctors office. I had skipped my lunch because I was so stressed out. I went straight to the nearest Wendy’s and had a big chicken combo. I enjoyed the cool October breeze, the rush hour traffic and did not even mind the higher gas price ( $3.29/Gallon) at the gas station.

Believe me it helps to be alive…

Ps: The Doctors also said honeymoon would not be a problem with this condition – just make sure you are gentle and kind! ….well we shall see….

Triology !

I am just back from Starbucks after discussing my part of trilogy with the " greatest creative team in Atlanta area" i.e. GiriMohan Coneti and Rafique.

Giri, the hard to please critic surprised me by appreciating what I wrote. I had to confirm this from Rafiq a couple of times that what I heard is correct. May be he was still under the influence of alcohol from last night's party at the Cafe Istanbul. It is so satisfying to get good reviews from folks that you trust.

So, now the focus shifts to the exe- cute- producer Rafiq Batcha to line up actors for the film. He has good networks, which includes some of the prettiest people inside the perimeter. I am sure he will line up a good bunch for the audition next week.

This trilology is one of the best things going for our team - besides Giri 's two weeks vacation in Italy. We are so excited with the prospect of taking some original films to the film festival circuit. We already have one shot and edited. Giri is scheduled to shoot his on October 29 after he comes back from vacation. In the meantime I will complete the third one.

I personally feel we are doing something, which is so timely - so needed. I hope we do it the way we planned and then it will be up to Rafiq to put his Gozuita Business School MBA to work.

Future is getting better - slowly but surely!

Shahid

Going Home !

It is getting closer and closer everyday - my journey back to India. It should not be a big deal for any NRI like me. In fact this should be an exciting time for some one returning home to be with friends and family. This could be the most satisfying time in ones life - to be with your own people.

Not me. I am terrified with the thought that I will be flying to India in a couple of months. Terrified – because when I came to America 6 years ago I had given up on it. I had burned my bridges with India. When things were going bad for me in America, I remember having late night lonely talk with myself. In those conversations I used to convince my heart and mind that India does exits for me any more. That America is everything I got, good, bad or ugly. There is no turning back. I had remembered a story about a prince who was given a curse that “in the search of treasure, if he ever looks back – he will turn into a stone”.

I never came here in search of treasure – but that is a different story. Nevertless, I kept moving – never to look back.

Six LONG years later it dawned don me that I never left India. India came with me. It hid somewhere in the bottom of my heart and surfaced with a bang. There is no choice now to look back. I want to look back inspite of the fear that I may turn into stone – into nothing -- again.

Couple of months before I go to my home country-

Dutt Saab ...

Its been a week that he passed away but I have yet to recover from my shock of his death.

It pains me to see whoever is up there lets all these " Murderers " live beyond 90s and wait for their next turn to drink blood of innocents Indians - yet this messenger of peace is snatched away from us.

The details of his will is another proof of his greatness. He wished nothing should be named after him not even a postage stamp.

I salute you Dutt Saab for all you did for humanity. Thanks for inspiring me. Thanks for being with us for this long...

Hum to Bachpan main bhi akele the !

Long Days Journey into the night!

Had a long day today. It is difficult to work and write a film at the same time. And these distractions keep coming my way regularly. Folks in India depend on me about what should be done with their day to day affairs.

Monday is a holiday and I might buzz off some place to think and write my rest of the script. And then I will have to get cast and crew together. Fire them up. Script breakdown, equipments, costume, and minimal sets - the list is long.

Creating India over here had been the biggest challenge. Luckily some of my friends have what they call "India Rooms" that they allow me shoot in.

I am getting stressed out...I wish she had stood by me in these times.

Ye manaa..

Ye manaa Ke is Zameen ko Na Gulzaar Kar Sake
Kuch Khaar Kam Kar Gaye - Guzre Jidhar se hum..