March 1989,

My dream to experience the land of Jefferson, Lincoln and Carter had come true in March 1989. Georgia Tech had accepted me for Masters in CE.

Its not easy for a single mother to send her favorite son off to a distant land 10,000 miles away.

Now when I look back at these pictures from the airport I see pain written all over her face, though she never ever stopped me from pursuing my dreams.

And then the tears start rushing in to complete the rest of the story!

The Truth

As I sit at Maa’s grave wondering where wud she be, what she be doing? Is she missing me or its over? A lot paases thru my mind and there is no stopping it.

Beliefs tell me that she has moved on to a better world. A world of Karma - Imaan. Since she has been a faithful follower of her beliefs, I need not worry about her future. For 60 years she has been a good human being. For 60 years she added value to peoples live whatever way possible. She must be in a good company.

No need to worry!

Science tells me there is nothing called soul and afterlife. That was it. She went back to nature and there is no possibility of you seeing her again. Ever. Time out. You are on your own. U cry or go nuts there is no turning back on this one. Go on with ur life and forget her.

There is nothing called Soul and after life. That was it.

My entire life I have taken humanistic approach to life, regardless of what society, traditions and beliefs tell me. What is human shud automatically be part of any great religion, if it is not, too bad. I always followed my heart in finding peace in life. It worked. Always.

This is the only time when my human side has no answer. It is silent. It is offering me no direction. No insight.

It will be too selfish to move on from her grave and join back the circus called life, saying that the ‘show must go on’; to pretend as if nothing happened.

It will be foolish to stay stuck in these moments of paralysis and lifelessness. Maa, wud not like it. She wud want me to complete my circle of life in the best way possible.

Maa used to say “ My Shahid is a deep thinker, when he decides to find out the truth about anything he goes deep”.

For 6 months I have been doing just that.

To find the truth. No answers forthcoming Maa. There is no truth forthcoming.

The only truth that I know is that I am broken beyond repair Maa. Its been 6 months, yet I wake up in the middle of the night crying like a baby. My tears are showing no signs of drying up any time soon.

I go to bed every night thinking I may not wake up in the morning. I tolerated cruel, insensitive uncivilized barbarians because you were around. Not any more.

I will be drifting from hereon.

That is the only truth Now!

Total Strangers

And then I run into a ‘Ram Bhakt’ in the city of Agra one night.

The train arrived couple of hours late. It was almost 11 when I checked in the hotel. I walked out for the dinner and returned very late.

A bunch of men were sitting outside around a bonfire trying to beat the chilling weather last January. I sought their permission to sit with them. They were courteous men, mostly drivers, cleaners, support staff at the hotels nearby. The one chanting “RAAM” once every minute asked me if all is ok?

“Aap tourist nahi lagte Babuji, kiya baat hai?”

I tell them about Maa and why am just wandering around aimlessly.

His concern turns into a smile and he invokes shlokas from his holy book ‘Bahgvad Geeta’ to tell my why I shud stay with life. Why I shud not run away like this.

“Accha Khayen, Accha Pehne, Khsuh Rahen – Yehi Aap Ki Mataa Aap Se Chagnegi!”

I nod in agreement controlling my chest which was ready to explode due to intense emotions.

Cut to Burhanpur, MP, April 2017

I wanted to have Biryani so I went to Old City areas of Burhanpur. The Biryani was awesome and as I step out of the restaurant I see a man selling desert.

“Chai Hoti To Khareed Letaa…Chai Ke Bagair Maza Nahi Aayega!
Chai Bhi Aa Jayegi. Aap Tashreef Rakehn.

An Old bearded man offers me his chair. Reluctantly I sit down and Chai arrives in no time. I am surprised by his hospitality so I thank him. He tells me that this is not his business. He is just helping a frnd who has gone for some work.

Meanwhile the conversations drifts in all directions. I pay attention to him more closely when, all of sudden he talks about how his mother died of Asthama and how he cared for her.

I tell him about Maa and her Asthama.

“Jo Hua Allah Ki Marzi Thi. Duniya Ko Hansne Ka Mauka Na Den. Ab Aap Seena Nikal Ke Chalen. Fakhr Se. Khsuh Rahen. Accha Khayen. Accha Pehne. Kuch Karna Hai To Ye Karen Maa Ke Liye!”.

I tear up listening to him. I wonder why these total strangers meeting me in these towns and conveying just the same message. Why? Who is prompting them to tell me those words? Their backgrounds are different but the message remains the same.

What If we all behave like strangers? How wud life be then? We can speak to each other without inbuilt safeguards or “calculations”. We can value each other’s time knowing these moments will never come back as this encounter is temporary.

It is the illusion of 'permanency' that creates walls amongst us. We build these walls of ego, status, color, nationality, religion around us and get trapped for life. Life is beautiful even in grief once we knock down these walls.

Oh well..

Shab e Barat in Vegas

What happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas - is the LAW.

There are always exceptions to the rule.

Here is one!

‘Heaven or Hell, I am going to gamble tonigh’t – I had decided as I checked in the hotel in Las Vegas on my last trip.

I took a cursory look at the inviting machines flickering with lights and dollar signs for miles and miles to get an idea which table this adventurous night of mine shud begin. Having pretty much settled on one, I went to my room to freshen up.

As I got out of bath and changed my clothes I called India. Mom picked up.  I don’t think I told here where I was, and what am about to do, but this is what she said before I hung up.

‘ Tum Ko Maloom Hai na Aaj Shab e Baraat Hai Beta? Namaz Padhni Hai?”

( Tonight is the big night of Islam, u must pray)

I cud barely managed to say ‘Haan Maa’.  I knew then that with that ‘ Haan’ went away one of my last chance to commit a sin in Sin City.

It was always hard to ignore Maa’s words.

I took a deep sigh and went down no to gamble but to take a Philosopher’s walk.  

This walk enables you to look at things as they are, without passing judgments on them. Good bad or Ugly, just observe, smile and keep going.

So I walked and walked till I got tired. I went from one end to the next end of the Vegas Strip, getting in and out of the most beautiful hotels n pubs. 

I saw smiling faces with cans of beer. I saw strangers talking with strangest without any inhibitions. I saw signs and magazines displayed on streets that had the power to increase ones pulse rate. Someone handed me ‘visiting cards of pictures and phone numbers’. I still have them as a memento.

I had dinner somewhere along the road. Came to the hotel dead tired and crashed to a good night sleep.

Tonight is that night.

I will be going to Maa’s grave to cry. And yes I will be thinking of the call I made to Maa that night a few years ago.

I wonder of Maa knew what I was going to do that night.

I don’t know.

Bottom-line: Not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

Flowers

Nature is showering maa with my favorite flowers. She deserves each one of them. Someone is very kind... somewhere...

BTW I always envisioned myself be buried under a Gulmohar tree. This ensures not only shade but also a non stop supply of beautiful flowers. You don't depend on NO ONE to bring u flowers. U live a fiercely independent life, u sleep an independent depth. That's so cool...

Maa 2

I reckon Maa must have had the time of her life watching me chase my own version of the ' The Great American Dream'.

That too on a 4 - seater Cessna Beach craft!!!

The fact that the Governor of the State used to travel on the same plane, is a testimony to the ' The Great American Democracy', but that requires a separate post.

Maa

Maa’s last picture in good times was taken when she was dating my father. That was taken on March 31st 1953.

Then the Indian Patriarchy took over, and a beauty of a woman was reduced to a pale shadow of herself. It would be me who would take her picture in 1982, all thirty years later. ( and I wud take thousands till her last night on this earth)

The hurt and insecurities that are visible on her face in 1982 are because her rights on her husband’s properties were taken away from her. She was betrayed and was thrown out to a 10feet x 10 feet pigeon hole. She

knew she was too weak to fight fight the powerful, so she concentrated on raising had no idea where the next meal is gonna come from – yet she never gave up. She her kids.

That 10x10 room was nothing short of a magic. It used to change its designation from Bedroom to kitchen to Study room to Bathroom to Dinner Room all in the same day…within hours. :)))

When I went to US and learnt the word ‘abuse’ I was shocked. It wud always bother me that my mother was abused by her in laws who ganged up against her.

Once I told her “ Maa you were abused by your in laws”

“My Shahid made if up for it…by sending me for Hajj and showing me the World”. She wud instantly demolish any regrets or anger developing inside me.

I grieve not just a mother but a fine feisty principled compassionate woman.

Gaddar...

Aye jaate Hue Lamhon

Tum Bhi aakhir Gaddar Hi Nikle

Kis Trah Dabe Paaon Aa Kar tum

Mujhe Zindagi Main Uljhaa Kar tum 

Maa ko Maazi Kar Rahe Ho!!

Aye Aate Hue Lamhon

Kar Lo Jo Ban Pade Tum Se

Magar Yaad Rahe

Ek Din Mahobbat 

Maut Pe Bhi Haavi Hogi..

(C) Shahid Parvez Sayed, March 5th 2017

Dhoke Baaz...

In KamZarf Mahollohn Main 

Jahan Taqreeban Sabhi Dhoke Baaz Rehte Hon

Wahan Jab Maut Bhi Aayegi 

To Dhoke Se

Maa...

In Sab Ko Tum

Phir Ek Baar Maaf Kar Dena!

Feb 15th, 2017 2am

Shopping after maa

U go to the supermarket after three months, and as usual pick up something for mom.

Next second it feels like someone just shot ur heart point blank.

Maa not there..who are u buying this for?

There is no one now to accept it with a smile and twinkle in her eyes. No one to tell u not to buy and then read label for what it is and the price on it..

U want to cry but being a grown up u are expected to behave. So u buy whatever and exit the supermarket in a hurry.

(Buying things for her was part of my strategy to make sure she understands that she remains in my mind no matter I go. That she is needed and wanted and loved. When old people feel neglected and not needed, that is when they decide to go - I believed.

I spent all my life letting her know she is needed forever in my life).

Life was never this painful. Never.

Shia _ Sunni, a love story

Baant Ke Apna Chehra, Maatha, Aankhen Jaane Kahaan Gayi?

Phate Puraane Ek Album Mein Ladki Jaisi Maa ....

(Nida)

Nov 1954. She was 19. They had just seen a movie at Super Talkies, Grant Road.. This picture was taken against her wishes. She was a Shia and father was a Sunni. May be she was not sure about how wud this 1400 years old divide wud play in her life.

In those days Shia - Sunni debate was as nasty as it is today. Of course it was minus the suicide bombers. Rest.. ..all mutual hatred, all biases and prejudices were the same.

She hid this picture from everyone. Even lied that it is someone else's. When I found out its hers, I went to town showing this picture and admiring her guts to be a rebel, for following heart. For doing the right thing.

They would marry in 1955.

Her next picture would be taken after a GAP of 25 years, by me.

Since then she remains the most photographed woman of my life.

Always will...

#Maa, #ZubedaSayed, #rebel

Qafan Farosh

Qafan Farosh...

81 saal ki Aurat ko Dafnaa kar

Sab Aabadi Ki Taraf Chale

To Har Shaks 

Us Budhiya Ke Bete ko

Ye Keh Kar Tasalli Dene Lagaa ke

` Kaafi Umr Thi, Mukti Mil Gayi`

`Log Is Beemari Main Ediyan Ragad Ke Marte Hain. Woh Asaani Se Gayin`.

` Budhi Haddiyon Ne Gosht Tak Chodd Diya Tha. Accha Hi Hua`

`Tumhari Apni Family Nahi Hai Na, Warna Takleef Kam Hoti`

Adhed Umr ka Beta

Muskura Kar, Khunda Peshaani se

Logon Ka Pursaa Qabool Kar Raha Tha

Usi Raat

Ek Nayi Geeli Qabr Pe

Ek Chota Baccha Bilak Bilak Kar Ro Raha Tha

`Aye Maa, Tu mujhe kiyoon chodd gayi Maa?`

`Qafan Faroshon Ki Is Basti Main,

sirf Tu Hi Mere Liye Zinda Thi Maa`

` Ab Dekh Main Kitna Tanhaa Hoon Maa`

Aur Kareeb ke Railway Station Pe Der Se Khadi

Local Train ke Pahiyye phir Chal Pade`

Nov 26, 2017

Maa

I want to thank EVERYONE for your support and kind words in the biggest ever tragedy of my entire life. I appreciate your prayers for mom and for my well being.

I don’t know how to grieve and what to expect next. This has shaken every DNA of my body and I don’t know what is waiting for me next. No one is prepared for this day. I have been crying like a baby since I saw her wrapped in that white sheet of clothe.

She was widowed at 41. She raised three children with grace, humility and hard work sacrificing her entire life for the well being of her children. We were her only assets.

She raised us with major difficulties and more importantly prayed for us so that we make something of our lives. It was only her prayers that made me reach from a possible life of a Manual Rickshaw Puller in UP to a Civil Engineer in the USA.

I have met major calamities and survived coz Maa was wind beneath my wing that kept me flying. Now I feel like I have no wings, no strength to face the next day.

Since Maa’s departure I have thought many a times to kill myself and to join her. I have complete faith that, like she saved me in this World, she wud find a way to save me there too.

But I think my mom wud not approve of that move.

So, If u see a 50 year old crying like a baby on the street of Mumbai, in a local train, in a bus, in a graveyard pls don’t worry. I am ok. I am just grieving my mom. Bas. I am just trying to get up and start my life or whatever is left of it.

Because more than anything else, I know my Maa wud never want to see me slip into depression. She wud never like to see me do crazy things with my life.

As far as crying, she was ok with it as she once remarked “First do everything for the dead properly, then you grieve”.

I am just following my Maa’s word like I did for the last 50 years of my life.

Please bear with me.

Maa

On 22nd November, they buried my heart in this grave.
Since then I am a dead man walking, with no heart, heart beat. 
Nothing.

And when the most beautiful n brave woman in the World struggles against old age, and when u realize the limits of medical sciences u feel helpless.

This is when u wanna unlearn all the scriptures of the World, the rules of society and all that good for nothing nonsense drilled in ur brain.

You wanna question whoever claims to be the creator and more, as u don't have the luxury to go on searching for the answers like a Buddha!

#Zubieda Sayed, #Mumbai, #Maa

The day that changed the World..

I don't think any of us wud forget what we were doing on September 11th 2001.

I was the Project Manager on a 8 million dollar project called Jimmy Carter Blvd in Gwinnett County, Atlanta, GA.

My first Independent project as a Project Manager, after I was trained and equipped by my employer in the arts and science of building roads n bridges. It was exciting time to be managing a path breaking project, and I was looking forward to its completion.

The kinds of reception, whistles and applause you get, after removing all barriers and traffic control devices to allow that first motorist to go thru, on the road you just build, still gives me a high.

I had just returned from my graveyard shift and was sleeping when my in-house girl frnd woke me up to break the news.

What we saw brought shock, disbelief, horror, fear and confusion. Like most Americans, I thought it must be a mistake but then the second plane hit and then I knew its more than that.

All day was spend in watching TV and absorbing the images of fear, tears and sufferings. For weeks stories that emerged kept me troubled. I still feel for the guys n gals that chose to jump from top floors...

Our World changed that day for worst.

Soon news stories started showing up of how the Arab looking or Muslims are targeted and humiliated in public places. Fortunately, I was in a great company of frnds and co-workers. Not a single incident that made me feel I am a Muslim or an outsider.

On the other hand when me and bunch of coworkers / hommies were entering a cafeteria, the African American security person stopped them for a check up and allowed me to go without frisking. After I passed thru security, I realized what she did, my humor kicked in, so I went back to her asking

" Hey you did not check me, I cud be a terrorist?"

"Not with that face honey...not with that face....go on..."

That is the American spirit that always rises from the ashes. That is the spirit we need to nurture in each other - if we want the world to not slide in the one way slope of darkness, bigotry and fear.

World can be beautiful again....yes it can...

Khul Jaa Sim Sim...

When I got there, the tea shop was already closed for the night. The staff was standing outside unwinding - chatting.

" Chai khareedni hai"
" Kal Subah 9 baje aayen....abhi to dukaan band ho gayi"

The manager wearing a skull cap and kurta pajama spoke in a matter of fact tone.

"Kal subah hi nahi hogi bhai"
"Kiya matlab?"
"Aap ki chai pee ke meri subah hoti hai......chai nahi hai ghar pe.....suabh kaise hogi?"

The manager, giving keys of the shop to one of his employees shouted
" Aye Dukaan khol"

I smiled. I got what I wanted, and was not surprised. Have done these kinds of acts a million times by now.

In one of the stories of " The Arabian Nights", the prince's path was blocked by a boulder on the mouth of a cave. He recites a mantra " Khul Jaa Sim Sim " and the boulder gives him room to go in and rescue the princess.

Vidyawaan of the world tell us it was not the mantra that opened the mouth of the cave, bu the " Lehjaa" ( the way to speak) that did it.

I could not agree more...

I can open any door, anywhere, any time in ANY country - even in my sleep with my "timing" and "Lehjaa". This magic comes only when one has a transparent heart, a sense of humor and who cares attitude to the outcome.

Despite this a few doors just wouldnt open....

Thats the irony my frnd....thats the fascinating irony!!

Why women are not allowed in Mosques in India?

There are hundreds of other examples I can name where female worshipers were allowed in the mosque like Jama Masjid of Mandu, Feroz Shah Mosque in Hissar, Haryana, Jahan Ara mosque in Agra and Jama Masjid of Chanderi (MP), not to mention in the US all mosques have room for them.

Which genius came up with the idea that Aurat = Gunah in India?

Please enlighten....

PS: My frnd Mirza loved the sight of his then In-house girl frnd looking for him in a vast crowd after Juma prayers.....u feel like a MAN, he says as "she used to ignore everyone else"....LOL

http://scroll.in/article/803090/what-history-proves-indian-mosques-barring-women-is-only-a-recent-trend

Foreign students and evil west...

GA Tech, 1990

It was drizzling when I come out of the Civil Engineering building that night. Since lots of assignment due the next day, I had stayed back to finish them not realizing it was well past mid night...

As I came out of the the college building, the first thing I noticed was rain, and a lonely pick up truck which was passing by on the street. To beat the cold weather I decided to run home. I had barely taken a few steps that I had a mighty fall due to the slippery surface.

It was embarrassing even that late at night, so I looked up to see if the driver of the truck saw me fall. Well, he or she did. The truck had come to a complete halt.

I got up slowly, picked up my books and other stuffs and started to walk. I glanced at the truck one more time. It was still not moving. It is only when I had taken a few confident steps that the truck started to move again....

Later, I realized what really transpired.

The truck driver saw me fall and take a hit. He or she decided to wait on me to see if I needed any help. When I got up and took some steps, the driver realized that am ok and started to move again.

Its been 25 years, and dont know who the driver of that pick up truck was. I dont even know it was a male or a female, and old man or a young dude my age. The only thing I know is that he or she was a human enough to care about well being of a foreign student in his or her country.

This is how "evil west" treats its students....

The link below shows how we take care of them!

Of course, we are the best!!

http://www.mid-day.com/articles/shocking-mob-strips-parades-tanzanian-woman-as-cops-watch-in-bangalore/16923169

"Lighthouse"

Woh Chota Sa Lighthouse Tha Na..

Jise Tum  Ek safar Se Khareed laayin Thi

Aur Jise Tum Ne Apne Kitchen main Sajaya Tha

Kiya Woh Ab

Bhnawar Main Phanse Kisi Maahi Ko

Raah Dikha Sakta Hai?

Zara Dekho to....

(C) shahid Shahid Parvez Sayed​, December 31st, 2015 @ 2:09am