Khud se bhi jo main ne chupaye ..

Kin lafzon main itni kadwi itni kaseeli baat likhoon?
Sher ki main tehzeeb nibahoon ya apane halat likhoon?

Gham nahi likhoon kiya main gham ko jashn likhoon kiya matam ko?
Jo dekhe hain main ne Janaaze kiya un ko baraat likhoon?

Kis Kis ki aankhon main dekhen hain main zahar bhare khanjar ....
KHUD SE BHI JO MAIN NE CHUPAYE KAISE WOH SADMAAT LIKHOON?

Kaatil bhi , maktool bhi dono, naam Khudaa ka lete the
Koi khuda hai to woh khaan tha? Meri kiya aukaat likhoon?

Javed Akhtar - Tarkash

and then ....

... and then you learn and learn - with every goodbye, you learn!

Tanhaa...

Tere Baare main jab socha nahi tha ...
Main Tanhaa tha, Magar Itna nahi tha !

Shahid Sayed is Dead ....

(Born during Vietnam Crisis - Died during Iraq Crisis)-RIP

Yeah - this is how I thought it is going to be two weeks ago. I was convinced that my time is up and I will begin a new journey to meet my Lord, to go over the trivialities of life that he had me stuck for this long. But that was not to be, and I am alive but I ain't kicking anything.... there is nothing to kick anyways.

I had this chest pain and headache that started the night my friend and editor Jeff gave me the final copy of my film. And like most of Internet junkies I did my research on symptoms and concluded that this is an impending heart attack. I spoke with my friend L.V. who had a heart surgery two years ago, and who keeps pushing me to buy the stocks of those companies that make heart valves etc, it confirmed my worst fear......and the LIGHTS WENT OUT...

I was done - gone - Dead...well before anything drastic happened. My life changed in a few minutes. I was no longer interested in L.V.s insights on stocks and what MBA can do to my career. I stooped paying attention to all " the good news" and " the bad news" that we run into very often at lunchtime at Georgia State University Campus. I just wanted to die and get it over with. I have been under so much stress lately that any new stress was too much to take.

I went to the Doc and he did EKG twice. He put me on some muscle relaxing medicines and wanted my " blood". It was ironic to see a blonde "good news" nurse taking my shirt off, moving my pant to expose my leg so that she can put the sensors "all over" my body --- Oh how I wished for these occurrences when I was healthy and somewhat alive.....

I was at a Thanksgiving Party one night and I cried after hugging my friend A.S. telling him that I am going to die. Later, N told me that my crying was due to the tablet called " Chill Pill" that Doc had prescribed. I " cleaned " my apartment of any unwanted stuff that folks may discover next morning. I wrote my will and e-mailed it to my friends. I was freaking out thinking what if I die with leg up or hand in a wrong place or something like that. God, that would be so embarrasing - I wanetd to go as I had lived ie. Presentable! Now, I know why marriage is such a needed institution. It gives us a partner to straighten our legs and close our eyes after we are dead. How much that partner contributes towards that death is another matter.

I was sorry that I would never be able to see the leftist thinking of " jiye and jeene do" prevail. I was sad that by dying early I am giving a tremendous blow to my mom and to my friends. I was sad that I would not be able to express my emotions to someone precious that I have been holding for the last 18 years. I was sad that I would not be able to see peace and prosperity in Iraq, Kashmir, Palestine/Israel, Afghanistan, Africa and Chechnya.

I was sad this winter morning fogs that take over my apartment would be history. I was sad that no woman would smile at me when I yield at an un-signalized intersection. I was sad that there will be no one to pick the movie that arrives in the mail from blockbuster every week. I was sad knowing that my first film " Doosra Kinara" would be my last as well. I was sad that there will no more poetry from Javed Akhtar, Nida Fazli and Gulzar.

I was sad that K.S. will no longer be able to sunao me poetry of Rumi, Hafiz and Iqbal. He tried me to take interest in Iqbal and come out of Ghalib and Meer "Phase". I was sad that I will not see T, M, and M become expert lawyers and will not see Adi become a Yale alumni, surely would miss watching Faizan grow and settle in life. I was sad that I would not be able to take flowers to D.... I was sad that I will no be able to see the reactions of A, A, R, I, FK, and S to where my life is going.

The list is long....

But I am alive. Doc discovered nothing abnormal and suggested diet control and aerobics. He says it must have been a combination of stress and a panic attack. Since this incident I have realized how important it is to enjoy every minute of life with family and friends - to be thankful to whoever is up there, for letting me enjoy one more day of simply living.

PS: BTW those "good and bad news" that L.V. keeps talking about during lunch time NOW look more "good" then "bad" !!!!

The only way I know...

The only way I know to see this picture; is to assume that is my mother, soaked in my blood, crying, mourning, thinking about all the pains and sufferings she went thru to bring me up in this World. I am sure like all mothers the only red colors she wanted to see was the red color dress of my wife on the night of the wedding...

Why don't these sufferings come to f****g geedy, unscorplous, dishonest people?

Is there anyone UP there?

Anxiety and film....

The night my editor gave me the final copy of my film " Doosra Kinara", I have been having this continous headach and my stress level is very high. I kept looking reasons for this sudden chnage in my health but could not find one.

And finally it dawned on me that it has to do with my film. Now that it is ready for release, I am anxious about its reception. Even though there is not much money riding on it, I am freaking out about how well it will be recieved. We all worked hard on it. It has a good philosphical, almost nostalgic look at life with a great song from Bhupinder ji. The music is awesome. It was a dream come ture to have Bhupiner Ji sing a song written by me. I have been his fan all my life, and here he was singing my words and emotions....one couldn't ask for a better debut than this.

A friend from Georgia Tech days, who is a well known director and a trail blazer in Bollywood, has asked me to mail him the DVD. I did, and now my anxiety has increased.

Aye Zindagi gale laga le
Hum ne bhi tere har gham ko
Gale se lagaya hai - hai na?

(Above is Kristi Hutchinson, she plays the female lead in Doosra Kinara.)

Random thoughts ....

- I wonder if we have had the same amount of " shock and awe" campaign in Iraq, if Baghdad had BPOs and offices of MNCs.

- Why these secretrian killings do not involve women and children in Iraq? For the last three a half years we have been reading news reports of hundreds of men between the age of 20 -40 picked up, tortured and killed. Why are these sworn enemies ( shites and sunnis) sparing each others women and children?

Injustice !

Injustice "anywhere" in the World is the threat to justice " everywhere" in the World...

I wish I can drill these words of Mrtin Luther King Jr. into the heads of 6.3 Billion people of the World.

Thats all ---

Dhande ka Shahr...

Yeah, this is exactly how I would describe the City of Atlanta today - atleast for the Indian community.

They are hoiding a film festival called Atlanta Indo American Film Festival (http://www.iafs.us/AIAFF/Web/Forms/frmIndex.aspx). At the opening night they brought in Nagesh's Dor and had him for Q & A. More then one third of the hall was empty.

Last night at the screenings of films at Emory, the turn out was only those of that are part of the film Almost no one else showed up for a this free event.

I think a decent town must have a place of worship, a library and an arts center - everything else from police station to water tretment plant and transportation infrastcture should be optional.

When I was auditioning folks for my film, I had a traumatic time finding the right talent. That was two years ago and now with this expereince I feel Atlanta is a commerce town which means " Dhande ka shahr " in Hindi, and I stand by every image this words brings in.

Peace....

punishment ...

Some roads though beautifull lead to nowhere ...
you still have to go through them many times a day
Knowing fully well that it is a waste - every minute of it
Civilzed punishments can take many forms !!!

my favorite season...

October is my favorite month for many reasons, some of which are " shareable"....these pics are inside my apartment complex.

Looking back in anger..

It is 2:45 am in the morning and I just came back from freinds to this empty - lonley apartment. Night is cold and I can not slep. My my mind is drifting away to my last attempt of achieveing socio-emotional nirvana.

Why the hell that did not work? That was my best shot? I will never be able to do anything like that for the rest of my life? That was so pure and so ideologcial. It should have worked by all means.....

Whom and what is to blame or is there a need for it? Will blaming someone take the pain away?

Its going to be a long night...

!

Leadership...

Fail like a man...

Ever wonder why there is a part in everyone of us that wants to “FAIL LIKE A MAN” in everything we do or undertake?

I have been doing some analysis and came to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with mind but everything to do with our hearts. One heart break and your life span is shortened by quite a good percentage – second heartbreak and you wonder what hope is keeping you alive?

Why are you alive? What the hell you think you are; and what hopes you have which forces you to get up and go to work every f**** day?

What for? Why not “fail like a man” and get it over with?

the girl in the cafe !

Saw this flm by David Yates on fighting World Poverty. Good work.

" Every generation has the power to be great - you can be that generation" .
- Nelson Mandela

Its another day for you and me in paradise !

The heaviest burden a father can carry - Corp of his dead child.

While this was going on we in another parts of the same room (World) had sex to produce a child, went out on a date, impressed others about our humanity, made money in stock market, told lies and truths, dreamt big and small, taught our children how to brush teeth and how to drive a car, shared stories, laughed at jokes, attended Church, Mosque, Temple and Synagogue. We prayed for a better future for our kids...

The caravan of happiness moved on except for this Iraqi father who will never be the same again.

Ashamed? .... We must be!

Koi na sang mre ....

Utna hi upkaar samajh koi
jitna saath nibha de
Janam maran ka mel hai sapna
ye sapna bisra de
Koi na Sang mre .....

Man re tu kahe na dheer dhare
Woh nirmohi moh na jaane
jina ka moh kare ...!!! - Sahir

Self Realization

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Wiliamson

Fix you...

A song by ColdPlay. G calls them the "Gods of music" -

- Fix You -

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

$55,000 per annum...

Our in-house technocrat G.B. informed me the other day that a single family needs only $55,000 a year to be happy and self sufficient in every way. I have yet to check the data accuracy and assumptions that this conclusion is based on, but let us assume it is true and falls within that 3% standard deviation.

This should translate to approx IR 30,000 - 40,000 a month for the Indian family. That means anyone who earns that much money but still pursues more money leaving wife and kids at home is making a big mistake. Those trips to the middle of nowhere to earn x amount is of no value as your family may not need that money.

It would be a worthwhile option to be at home enjoying the kids and flirting with wife (your own wife that is...) instead of closing that deal for the new project. The time spent teaching kids how to be a good man or a woman should take priority over anything else.

There is a story about Alexander the great hanging on the banks of the Sindh River getting ready to attack India. He came across a naked man sun tanning by the river. Alexander was puzzled by this sight and inquired what this guy is doing here. That dude replied I am enjoying life. Alexander said anything I can do for you? To which that guy said, " just move over you are blocking the sun". The conversation continued and that guy asked Alexander what he is up to? Alexander told him his desire to conquer the entire world. That guy asked Alexander what he would do after that. " Relax and Rest" was the response. That dude told Alexander " you will never rest if you put it aside for a future date. You will die during the journey".

We all know what happened to Alexander the GREAT!

Moral of the story: Never put of enjoying time with your dear ones for a future date. Future may never come or it may take 17 years - who knows. Teaching your kid 4 hours before the flight about life and its commplexities may not help either !!

That's all ............