There are no Others...

I was half an hour behind that Church Gate local train that ran over the platform a few yeas ago. Shocked at the incident, I took a few pictures of it, went home and showed it to Maa.

"Anyone hurt?" - She asked.

No. All ok.

Then she did the usual. She started praying for everyone.

' Oh God, please save everyone's child and then save my child too ( Ya Allah Sab ke Bacchon ki Hifazat kar aur un ke Sadke main Mere Bacche ki Hifazat Kar)

I had heard these or similar words a million times before. This time I wanted to mess with her.

'Maa, Golden hour after an accident is important. I needed to be saved first!'.

'Arre, dont you know how to pray?U have forgotten Shahid? U always pray for others first!'

That was my Maa.

I have YET to meet a mother, who thinks and prays that in the case of a calamity 'other peoples' children needed to be given priority over her own child.

For Maa, there were no 'Others'.

President Carter is another name that comes to mind who believes that there are no 'others'.

Another interesting story about 'others' involves Maharishi Ramana.

Someone asked Maharsihi 'How to treat others?"

'There are no others' he said.

When you meet and interact with people that love Carter and Maharishi Ramana you will see what I mean.

Point is: people like Carter, Maharishi Ramana needed to be kept alive. These are not some individuals but the benchmarks of Humanity.

My Maa too needed to be kept alive for the same reason.

I will do that.

By all means necessary!

God Willing!

#Churchgate, #MumbaiLocal, #Train, #Maa, #Zubedasyed

Another day for u and me..

 I heard this song the first time in 1989 when I was at Georgia Tech. Somehow this song got associated with Maa.

That may be because I was struggling to pay for my tuition fees at GA Tech, and Maa was doing her part in raising money for me in India.

We both Failing each time. I was even arrested for working off campus without permission from INS.

I cried when I heard this song 27 years ago. This song added to the imagery of Maa's struggle that I had visualized.

Things worked out. Better times came for her and for me. Life moved on.

May be.

May be nothing moved on. Nothing. If we go by my tears, nothing at all.
Never will.

Maqbara of Najibabad, near Bijnor

They were in love for two years. She had gone to her father's house (Maike.) He had gone to pick her up. Celebratory fire work killed him. She built him a monument. She was Sardari Begum, He was Nawab Jagangir Khan of Najibabadd, near Bijnor.

This is the second Tomb (Maqbara) built by a wife for her deceased husband. The first being the Hymayuns tomb in New Delhi.

Some women do love deeply - I must say!

This monument is dying a slow death and being encroached upon.Tomb over grave is gone, only four minarates left and they too are on the way out.

These historic buildings can be a source of revenue for any city around the World. Not here. The city is flush with money. Everyone is rich with no signs of decay n poverty. Dont need no visitors to spend money, generate jobs.

#Najiabad, #monuments, #sardariBegum, #Nawab of Najibabad,#uttarpardesh

Daya Shankar Ki Diary - an unfinished story!

Apparently I was writing a short story years ago. It’s titled " Daya Shankar Ki Diary". It talks about Daya Shankar at the airport. Recalling moments before his flight. What are hitting my heart are these lines:

Daya Shankar ki diary...

" Apni Budhi Maa Ko Is Umr Maain Chodd Jaane Ka Shadeed Afsos Hai Mujhe. Main Apne Aansoo Rok Raha Hoon aru Kamyaab Bhi Hoon.

Lekin Jab Maa Ne Gale Lagaa Ke Kahaa Ke ' Pata Nahi Ab Tum Kab Wapas Aao?Main Rahoon Na Rahoon. Jao Main Ne Tumhara Doodh Maaf Kiya'.

Ye Sun Kar Main Khudd Ko Rok Na Paya. Aansoo Aa Hi Gaye. Doosron Ki Maujoodgi Main Main Maa Se Woh Sab Na Keh Payaa Jo Chahhta Tha. Main Ab Maa Ka Chehra Yaad Kar Kar Raha Hoon. Un Ke Chehre Ki Ek Ek Lakeer Ko Apne Dimag ki Har Rag Main Basa Raha Hoon - Kahin Ye Aakhri Mulaqaat Na Ho!"

Mujhe Tum Se Shadeed Nafrat Ho Chali Hai Be-wafa Aurat - Dekho Tumhari Daulat aur Imaaraat Ki shart ne Mujhe Kin Halaaat....

March 1989,

My dream to experience the land of Jefferson, Lincoln and Carter had come true in March 1989. Georgia Tech had accepted me for Masters in CE.

Its not easy for a single mother to send her favorite son off to a distant land 10,000 miles away.

Now when I look back at these pictures from the airport I see pain written all over her face, though she never ever stopped me from pursuing my dreams.

And then the tears start rushing in to complete the rest of the story!

The Truth

As I sit at Maa’s grave wondering where wud she be, what she be doing? Is she missing me or its over? A lot paases thru my mind and there is no stopping it.

Beliefs tell me that she has moved on to a better world. A world of Karma - Imaan. Since she has been a faithful follower of her beliefs, I need not worry about her future. For 60 years she has been a good human being. For 60 years she added value to peoples live whatever way possible. She must be in a good company.

No need to worry!

Science tells me there is nothing called soul and afterlife. That was it. She went back to nature and there is no possibility of you seeing her again. Ever. Time out. You are on your own. U cry or go nuts there is no turning back on this one. Go on with ur life and forget her.

There is nothing called Soul and after life. That was it.

My entire life I have taken humanistic approach to life, regardless of what society, traditions and beliefs tell me. What is human shud automatically be part of any great religion, if it is not, too bad. I always followed my heart in finding peace in life. It worked. Always.

This is the only time when my human side has no answer. It is silent. It is offering me no direction. No insight.

It will be too selfish to move on from her grave and join back the circus called life, saying that the ‘show must go on’; to pretend as if nothing happened.

It will be foolish to stay stuck in these moments of paralysis and lifelessness. Maa, wud not like it. She wud want me to complete my circle of life in the best way possible.

Maa used to say “ My Shahid is a deep thinker, when he decides to find out the truth about anything he goes deep”.

For 6 months I have been doing just that.

To find the truth. No answers forthcoming Maa. There is no truth forthcoming.

The only truth that I know is that I am broken beyond repair Maa. Its been 6 months, yet I wake up in the middle of the night crying like a baby. My tears are showing no signs of drying up any time soon.

I go to bed every night thinking I may not wake up in the morning. I tolerated cruel, insensitive uncivilized barbarians because you were around. Not any more.

I will be drifting from hereon.

That is the only truth Now!

Total Strangers

And then I run into a ‘Ram Bhakt’ in the city of Agra one night.

The train arrived couple of hours late. It was almost 11 when I checked in the hotel. I walked out for the dinner and returned very late.

A bunch of men were sitting outside around a bonfire trying to beat the chilling weather last January. I sought their permission to sit with them. They were courteous men, mostly drivers, cleaners, support staff at the hotels nearby. The one chanting “RAAM” once every minute asked me if all is ok?

“Aap tourist nahi lagte Babuji, kiya baat hai?”

I tell them about Maa and why am just wandering around aimlessly.

His concern turns into a smile and he invokes shlokas from his holy book ‘Bahgvad Geeta’ to tell my why I shud stay with life. Why I shud not run away like this.

“Accha Khayen, Accha Pehne, Khsuh Rahen – Yehi Aap Ki Mataa Aap Se Chagnegi!”

I nod in agreement controlling my chest which was ready to explode due to intense emotions.

Cut to Burhanpur, MP, April 2017

I wanted to have Biryani so I went to Old City areas of Burhanpur. The Biryani was awesome and as I step out of the restaurant I see a man selling desert.

“Chai Hoti To Khareed Letaa…Chai Ke Bagair Maza Nahi Aayega!
Chai Bhi Aa Jayegi. Aap Tashreef Rakehn.

An Old bearded man offers me his chair. Reluctantly I sit down and Chai arrives in no time. I am surprised by his hospitality so I thank him. He tells me that this is not his business. He is just helping a frnd who has gone for some work.

Meanwhile the conversations drifts in all directions. I pay attention to him more closely when, all of sudden he talks about how his mother died of Asthama and how he cared for her.

I tell him about Maa and her Asthama.

“Jo Hua Allah Ki Marzi Thi. Duniya Ko Hansne Ka Mauka Na Den. Ab Aap Seena Nikal Ke Chalen. Fakhr Se. Khsuh Rahen. Accha Khayen. Accha Pehne. Kuch Karna Hai To Ye Karen Maa Ke Liye!”.

I tear up listening to him. I wonder why these total strangers meeting me in these towns and conveying just the same message. Why? Who is prompting them to tell me those words? Their backgrounds are different but the message remains the same.

What If we all behave like strangers? How wud life be then? We can speak to each other without inbuilt safeguards or “calculations”. We can value each other’s time knowing these moments will never come back as this encounter is temporary.

It is the illusion of 'permanency' that creates walls amongst us. We build these walls of ego, status, color, nationality, religion around us and get trapped for life. Life is beautiful even in grief once we knock down these walls.

Oh well..

Shab e Barat in Vegas

What happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas - is the LAW.

There are always exceptions to the rule.

Here is one!

‘Heaven or Hell, I am going to gamble tonigh’t – I had decided as I checked in the hotel in Las Vegas on my last trip.

I took a cursory look at the inviting machines flickering with lights and dollar signs for miles and miles to get an idea which table this adventurous night of mine shud begin. Having pretty much settled on one, I went to my room to freshen up.

As I got out of bath and changed my clothes I called India. Mom picked up.  I don’t think I told here where I was, and what am about to do, but this is what she said before I hung up.

‘ Tum Ko Maloom Hai na Aaj Shab e Baraat Hai Beta? Namaz Padhni Hai?”

( Tonight is the big night of Islam, u must pray)

I cud barely managed to say ‘Haan Maa’.  I knew then that with that ‘ Haan’ went away one of my last chance to commit a sin in Sin City.

It was always hard to ignore Maa’s words.

I took a deep sigh and went down no to gamble but to take a Philosopher’s walk.  

This walk enables you to look at things as they are, without passing judgments on them. Good bad or Ugly, just observe, smile and keep going.

So I walked and walked till I got tired. I went from one end to the next end of the Vegas Strip, getting in and out of the most beautiful hotels n pubs. 

I saw smiling faces with cans of beer. I saw strangers talking with strangest without any inhibitions. I saw signs and magazines displayed on streets that had the power to increase ones pulse rate. Someone handed me ‘visiting cards of pictures and phone numbers’. I still have them as a memento.

I had dinner somewhere along the road. Came to the hotel dead tired and crashed to a good night sleep.

Tonight is that night.

I will be going to Maa’s grave to cry. And yes I will be thinking of the call I made to Maa that night a few years ago.

I wonder of Maa knew what I was going to do that night.

I don’t know.

Bottom-line: Not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

Flowers

Nature is showering maa with my favorite flowers. She deserves each one of them. Someone is very kind... somewhere...

BTW I always envisioned myself be buried under a Gulmohar tree. This ensures not only shade but also a non stop supply of beautiful flowers. You don't depend on NO ONE to bring u flowers. U live a fiercely independent life, u sleep an independent depth. That's so cool...

Maa 2

I reckon Maa must have had the time of her life watching me chase my own version of the ' The Great American Dream'.

That too on a 4 - seater Cessna Beach craft!!!

The fact that the Governor of the State used to travel on the same plane, is a testimony to the ' The Great American Democracy', but that requires a separate post.

Maa

Maa’s last picture in good times was taken when she was dating my father. That was taken on March 31st 1953.

Then the Indian Patriarchy took over, and a beauty of a woman was reduced to a pale shadow of herself. It would be me who would take her picture in 1982, all thirty years later. ( and I wud take thousands till her last night on this earth)

The hurt and insecurities that are visible on her face in 1982 are because her rights on her husband’s properties were taken away from her. She was betrayed and was thrown out to a 10feet x 10 feet pigeon hole. She

knew she was too weak to fight fight the powerful, so she concentrated on raising had no idea where the next meal is gonna come from – yet she never gave up. She her kids.

That 10x10 room was nothing short of a magic. It used to change its designation from Bedroom to kitchen to Study room to Bathroom to Dinner Room all in the same day…within hours. :)))

When I went to US and learnt the word ‘abuse’ I was shocked. It wud always bother me that my mother was abused by her in laws who ganged up against her.

Once I told her “ Maa you were abused by your in laws”

“My Shahid made if up for it…by sending me for Hajj and showing me the World”. She wud instantly demolish any regrets or anger developing inside me.

I grieve not just a mother but a fine feisty principled compassionate woman.

Gaddar...

Aye jaate Hue Lamhon

Tum Bhi aakhir Gaddar Hi Nikle

Kis Trah Dabe Paaon Aa Kar tum

Mujhe Zindagi Main Uljhaa Kar tum 

Maa ko Maazi Kar Rahe Ho!!

Aye Aate Hue Lamhon

Kar Lo Jo Ban Pade Tum Se

Magar Yaad Rahe

Ek Din Mahobbat 

Maut Pe Bhi Haavi Hogi..

(C) Shahid Parvez Sayed, March 5th 2017

Dhoke Baaz...

In KamZarf Mahollohn Main 

Jahan Taqreeban Sabhi Dhoke Baaz Rehte Hon

Wahan Jab Maut Bhi Aayegi 

To Dhoke Se

Maa...

In Sab Ko Tum

Phir Ek Baar Maaf Kar Dena!

Feb 15th, 2017 2am

Shopping after maa

U go to the supermarket after three months, and as usual pick up something for mom.

Next second it feels like someone just shot ur heart point blank.

Maa not there..who are u buying this for?

There is no one now to accept it with a smile and twinkle in her eyes. No one to tell u not to buy and then read label for what it is and the price on it..

U want to cry but being a grown up u are expected to behave. So u buy whatever and exit the supermarket in a hurry.

(Buying things for her was part of my strategy to make sure she understands that she remains in my mind no matter I go. That she is needed and wanted and loved. When old people feel neglected and not needed, that is when they decide to go - I believed.

I spent all my life letting her know she is needed forever in my life).

Life was never this painful. Never.

Shia _ Sunni, a love story

Baant Ke Apna Chehra, Maatha, Aankhen Jaane Kahaan Gayi?

Phate Puraane Ek Album Mein Ladki Jaisi Maa ....

(Nida)

Nov 1954. She was 19. They had just seen a movie at Super Talkies, Grant Road.. This picture was taken against her wishes. She was a Shia and father was a Sunni. May be she was not sure about how wud this 1400 years old divide wud play in her life.

In those days Shia - Sunni debate was as nasty as it is today. Of course it was minus the suicide bombers. Rest.. ..all mutual hatred, all biases and prejudices were the same.

She hid this picture from everyone. Even lied that it is someone else's. When I found out its hers, I went to town showing this picture and admiring her guts to be a rebel, for following heart. For doing the right thing.

They would marry in 1955.

Her next picture would be taken after a GAP of 25 years, by me.

Since then she remains the most photographed woman of my life.

Always will...

#Maa, #ZubedaSayed, #rebel

Qafan Farosh

Qafan Farosh...

81 saal ki Aurat ko Dafnaa kar

Sab Aabadi Ki Taraf Chale

To Har Shaks 

Us Budhiya Ke Bete ko

Ye Keh Kar Tasalli Dene Lagaa ke

` Kaafi Umr Thi, Mukti Mil Gayi`

`Log Is Beemari Main Ediyan Ragad Ke Marte Hain. Woh Asaani Se Gayin`.

` Budhi Haddiyon Ne Gosht Tak Chodd Diya Tha. Accha Hi Hua`

`Tumhari Apni Family Nahi Hai Na, Warna Takleef Kam Hoti`

Adhed Umr ka Beta

Muskura Kar, Khunda Peshaani se

Logon Ka Pursaa Qabool Kar Raha Tha

Usi Raat

Ek Nayi Geeli Qabr Pe

Ek Chota Baccha Bilak Bilak Kar Ro Raha Tha

`Aye Maa, Tu mujhe kiyoon chodd gayi Maa?`

`Qafan Faroshon Ki Is Basti Main,

sirf Tu Hi Mere Liye Zinda Thi Maa`

` Ab Dekh Main Kitna Tanhaa Hoon Maa`

Aur Kareeb ke Railway Station Pe Der Se Khadi

Local Train ke Pahiyye phir Chal Pade`

Nov 26, 2017

Maa

I want to thank EVERYONE for your support and kind words in the biggest ever tragedy of my entire life. I appreciate your prayers for mom and for my well being.

I don’t know how to grieve and what to expect next. This has shaken every DNA of my body and I don’t know what is waiting for me next. No one is prepared for this day. I have been crying like a baby since I saw her wrapped in that white sheet of clothe.

She was widowed at 41. She raised three children with grace, humility and hard work sacrificing her entire life for the well being of her children. We were her only assets.

She raised us with major difficulties and more importantly prayed for us so that we make something of our lives. It was only her prayers that made me reach from a possible life of a Manual Rickshaw Puller in UP to a Civil Engineer in the USA.

I have met major calamities and survived coz Maa was wind beneath my wing that kept me flying. Now I feel like I have no wings, no strength to face the next day.

Since Maa’s departure I have thought many a times to kill myself and to join her. I have complete faith that, like she saved me in this World, she wud find a way to save me there too.

But I think my mom wud not approve of that move.

So, If u see a 50 year old crying like a baby on the street of Mumbai, in a local train, in a bus, in a graveyard pls don’t worry. I am ok. I am just grieving my mom. Bas. I am just trying to get up and start my life or whatever is left of it.

Because more than anything else, I know my Maa wud never want to see me slip into depression. She wud never like to see me do crazy things with my life.

As far as crying, she was ok with it as she once remarked “First do everything for the dead properly, then you grieve”.

I am just following my Maa’s word like I did for the last 50 years of my life.

Please bear with me.

Maa

On 22nd November, they buried my heart in this grave.
Since then I am a dead man walking, with no heart, heart beat. 
Nothing.

And when the most beautiful n brave woman in the World struggles against old age, and when u realize the limits of medical sciences u feel helpless.

This is when u wanna unlearn all the scriptures of the World, the rules of society and all that good for nothing nonsense drilled in ur brain.

You wanna question whoever claims to be the creator and more, as u don't have the luxury to go on searching for the answers like a Buddha!

#Zubieda Sayed, #Mumbai, #Maa